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It's Nuclear Warfare! (Unless there's cars involved that is)

The Russians are in economic & political turmoil, The US president looks like failure to control his trouser snake will cost him dear, and us Brits look like we actually want to try and destroy our motor industry and our love for all things motoring. The Dutch are still churning out dope and pornography, the Germans are trying to force themselves into the running of Europe again, and the French are now officially actually very good at Football. Things, in general, are not looking good for the world.

But somehow, despite all of this, all of the above (Yes, even us) have developed a very large penchant for Nuclear weapons, and more startlingly, are developing itchy trigger fingers & are quite happy to press the buttons. It seems that sooner or later, someone is going to cop a 50 Mega-Ton Nuclear sunburns by the end of the Millennium. This is becoming quite a discussion topic, and now I feel it's time to ask the burning question ... Who gets it?

After quite a bit of thought, I decided upon a short-list of 4 places I would put on the wrong end of the old Doomsday Device. However, just before I considered making this column about why we SHOULD bomb them, it's going to be about why we should NOT bomb them. Why? Well the answer I'm afraid is a trifle controversial. Because it all comes down to Cars.

First up on the list would have been Switzerland, which is the most Anti-Car country in the world today and by the turn of the Millennium, will be little more than a glorified green Bus Lane. Having spent millions on improving roads and lanes, they are now digging them all up again to try and make things harder for the motorist to dissuade them from using their cars. They voted FOR, yes, FOR higher petrol prices in a referendum. Cars are herded into cramped lanes while buses and bicycles are given the freedom of the road. Motor racing is actually BANNED and AK47 rifles are considered to be perfectly legal when the TVR Griffith was banned for being too noisy.

This is a country that Adolf Hitler said he would conquer with the Berlin Fire Brigade, and where washing your car on a Sunday is illegal. But before the Swiss start reaching for the Valium, don't worry, because what the Swiss lack in a passion for cars they more than make up for with a passion for Motorcycles, with the World Hell's Angels convention held there each year. And then there's the scenery itself. Those roads and the greenery of the forest look absolutely perfect for hammering (No, hang on, better make that cruising) around in a Ferrari F355 Spider, making it one of the most breathtaking countries in the world.
 

Switzerland has actually produced a fair crop of racing drivers, with Alain Menu the reigning BTCC champion, and Jo Siffert, a former winner at Le Mans. Clay Reggazani was the first man to give Frank Williams a Grand Prix victory, and Jean Alesi's Sauber Team is also Swiss. But most importantly, Switzerland is host to the Geneva Motorshow, and is considered THE place to unveil your latest concept cars, and is the preferred launching spots for Mercedes, Ford and Toyota. So, scratch Switzerland.

Next up on the A-Bomb chart would have been the Land of the Free and the home of the Rock-Solid shock absorber - America. Now because the American roads are so Bend-Free, they only need concern themselves with straight lines. This means they make awesome engines but fit them to chassis which about as much handling prowess a greasy pig and either spin so easily that you avoid corner at all costs, like the '90' spec Chevrolet Corvette, or just refuse to go round corners at all, like the Cadillac Century. America isn't very popular with the Iranians of Afghans to say the least either.

Also Detroit, the US motoring capital, is dirty, smoky, and looks like Mega City 1 of 'Judge Dredd' fame. They managed to stitch up Louise Woodward, but let O.J Simpson off the hook. This is where freeways have more accidents in a month than the M40 could ever dream of. Also, you can never, apparently get a cab when you want one and cars never stop at the Traffic Lights, come to think of it, Traffic lights tend to be ignored by just about everybody. And as I have mentioned, there's more corruptness than Tony Blair or William Hague could dream up in a year.
But before you American readers consider bombarding this Site with messages of anger and threats of violence, I must explain. What America does badly in cars is awful, but when they DO get it right, oh boy is it heaven.

For example, the Chevrolet Stingray is one of the finest cars of all time, as is the old 50's Cadillac with the classic design and the legendary fins at the rear. And most recently, they gave us the Dodge Viper, and then there was the original Corvette, an automotive masterpiece. Another motoring advantage that America has over The Europeans is the ability to give their cars startlingly appropriate names. The Dodge Charger, The Pontiac Firebird, the Ford Mustang and of course, the Dodge Viper again, you guys really know how to get the pulse racing, unlike the person who came up with 'Montego' or 'Sunny' or even 'Ka', who obviously, does not. But they also have THE best-named car of all time... The Thunderbird...Roll up at a party, announce "I own a Thunderbird!" And when you go home, all the deepest-cleavaged girls will want to follow you.

America may have a poor motor capital, but it is home to the best motor racing in the world. As well as the FedEx PPG ChampCar series, which has produced 8 different winners this season whilst Formula 1 has only managed four, but they actually overtake one another, wow! If the F.I.A were in charge, they wouldn't bother turning up. As well as that, there are 2 of the greatest races in the world, the Indy 500 and the Daytona 24 hrs. The NASCAR championship will leave you gasping for breath after just 5 laps and where they actually develop their new talents properly.

America also doesn't discourage it's public from enjoying cars, and as a result, accidents tend to occur more on the Freeways than they do on public roads. Americans not only love their cars, but also are actually ALLOWED to drive them whenever and wherever they like, sensibly, and without forcing them all in the cramp. (Are you listening Mr Prescott?) And not only that, but Americans pay, on average, 20% less to buy and run their cars, than the U.K. So, scratch America.

Third up for an Apocalyptic-inducing showdown with my Bomber-of-the-Nuclear Bass would have been Germany. Don't worry, I'm not going to go on about the War, that's all in the past, but what IS worrying is the influence that they have over the EC, which is unelected, full of fat, uncaring, gut-busting beaurocrats and should therefore be entitled to absolute total 0% power or influence over us at all... but for some stupid reason, we still have to do what Helmut Kohl says.

It seems eventually they will bypass all our protests, lock us all together in ESD (European Standard Dullness), then force themselves in charge, take our video recorders, steal all our money and force us to all live in granny flats. Not only that, they keep beating us at Football, and their No 1 Racing driver is a total maniac who likes to accuse people of trying to kill him, but isn't partial to the odd bit of non-enforced crashing himself. We have also had to suffer from James Last, Jurgen Klinnsman and they want to be forerunners of the Euro, which again they will run but whilst they are in financial problems, so it's just as well we're staying out of that one for a while at least.

But before I get threatened by the ESLM (European Standard Lynch Mob) I have to say that Germany more than makes up for all the above with one of the best all-round car industries in Europe. Not only do Mercedes produce the most efficient and reliable cars in the world, such as the S-Class and the SLK, but their engines are rapidly propelling Mika Hakkinen & David Coulthard towards Grand Prix glory, and have also taken the IndyCar championship by storm, and despite both cars conking out on the 1st lap at Le Mans, are dominating the Global G.T championship.

Audi came, saw, and conquered the BTCC a couple of years back. And in the old 4WD, V8 A4 Quattro, have another all-time great car. Germany also has sensible car legislation in that there are no speed limits on the Autobahns. This means all the crappy, hopeless drivers stay off them through fear, and as a result there are less accidents than on speed-limited Motorways as a result. So scratch Germany then, and by the way ... VILLENEUVE!

And, finally, the place that not only would I think of bombing but would actually go ahead and do the deed, would be Buckinghamshire. Why? Because that's where Swampy lives.

And that'd be one less Green-armpitted, tree-hugging hippy to worry about.